当年为刘道义主编英语教材SEFC修改的一些句子（二）
张庆路
8、 What he wanted to see was an end to all the armies of the world. (Book 2B， P.4)
分析及改译： 此句不能算全错，但用词搭配上肯定有欠缺。显然，an end to all the armies 的说法不如an end to all the wars （战争的结束）或the disappearance of all the armies（军队的消失）来得地道。此外，all the armies of the world（世界的军队）的说法远不如all the armies in the world（世上的军队）来得确切。建议将原句改进如下：What he wanted to see was an end to all the wars (或the disappearance of all the armies) in the world.
9、 A person at the CAAC said: “In our opinion it has become necessary to spend all this money on the new computer. Although it was expensive, we decided to buy the computer. We must make the buying of tickets easier for our passengers. We also believe that many more people will prefer to travel by air. These people will be welcome on our planes.” (Book 1A，P.34)
分析及改译：这段文字至少有以下3点需要改进：A）第一句中的a person at the CAAC应改为an official from CAAC。因为作为CAAC的发言代表，这个人应该是一位official（官员；高级职员），或至少是一位clerk（职员；办事员），而不是一个没有任何身份的person。使用person一词使得下面该人员代表CAAC所说的那段话的说服力大打折扣。 Ｂ）倒数第二句没有交待为什么many more people will prefer to travel by air的理由，而这个理由恰恰是点题（文章题目Computers）所必不可少的。笔者试将其补上——because of the convenience computers bring about。 C)最后一句跟主题computers沾不上半点边，显得不着边际。用它作为整篇文章的结尾语实属蛇足，建议删去。以下是笔者修改后的文字，除上述３处改进外，另有其他改动：An official from CAAC said: “In our opinion, it is necessary to spend all this money on the new computers. We decided to buy the computers though they were expensive. Using computers, we have made it easier for our passengers to buy the tickets. And we believe that many more people will prefer to travel by air because of the convenience computers bring about.”
They remain above the same place on the earth and travel round it in a very high circle.
(Book 2B，P.8)
分析及改译：句中的they指通信卫星。据笔者所知，in a circle应视为固定说法，意为“以圆环形的方式”，原句中in a very high circle这样的说法恐值得商榷。建议将原句改进如下：They remain high above the same place of the earth and travel round it in a circle.（当然，此句只是原句语言上的改进版，按专业的说法后半句应该是“与……做同步圆周运动”）
11、“For months I tried to get a good job as an engineer, but it was impossible to get a job as a woman ……” (Book 1B，P.18)
分析及改译：面对前后完全一样的结构与措辞，我们发现了“……找到一个工程师的职位，……找到一个女人的职位”这样可笑的说法。其实只要将句中to get a job as a woman中的as改为for，再改动一下词序，问题就迎刃而解了。建议后半句改为but it was impossible for a woman to get such a job。若要保留as a woman，最好这样说：but as a woman it was impossible for me to get such a job。
12、Even before India won independence from its British rulers, it was clear that Gandhi was the key figure and leader in the struggle of 380 million Indians to govern themselves. (Book 3B，P.43)
分析及改译：此句有3处毛病：A）鉴于甘地在印度独立后不久即遇刺身亡这一事实，可以认为甘地作为反抗英国统治者的关键人物与领袖的作用与地位本来就只体现在印度独立之前，所以原句的从句Even before India won independence from its British rulers纯属多余或错误。 B）原句主句中的struggle后接of 380 million Indians, Indians后接to govern themselves,这语序不佳，宜重新排列。 C）确切地说，句中的struggle应为struggle to free themselves（解放自己的斗争），而非struggle to govern themselves (治理自己的斗争)。建议将上句改为：It was clear that Gandhi was the key figure and leader of 380 million Indians in their struggle to free themselves (或to win independence)from the British rulers.
13、The death of Gandhi gave India a chance to mourn and express how he had become “father” to all Indians. (Book 3B，P.46)
分析及改译：原文读上去是不是有点莫名其妙：“甘地之死给了印度一个哀悼的机会和表达此前他是如何成为全印度人民的‘国父’的机会。”甘地之死的意义难道只是能让印度（人）哀悼他？至于后半部分，即a chance to express how he had become “father” to all Indians则不但毫无意义，而且完全错误。事实上，读者很难理解作者到底想通过这个怪句表达什么意思。
笔者建议可这样保留原句的头尾，将上述怪句改造成有意义的句子： The death of Gandhi gave birth to (或presented India with) a national hero and made him “father” to all Indians.（甘地之死让印度诞生了一位民族英雄，使他成为印度的“国父”。）当然，如要照顾下文（下文讲在遗体的转运、火化、骨灰的抛洒等过程中印度人民如何对甘地表达最后的敬意），上述怪句也不妨改为：The body of Gandhi was fortunate enough to witness the love and respect Indians expressed for their national hero.（甘地的遗体有幸见证了印度人民对他们的民族英雄所表达的爱戴与敬仰。）
显然，这套名为Senior English for China的部编教材有点对不起Senior English的称号，同时也太小瞧China了。笔者的书面英语水平大概也就是70分左右吧，但SEFC作者的英语好像连笔者的水平也达不到，恐怕只能打65分了。要65分水平的“专家”给全中国高中学生编写英语必修教材，这也太勉为其难了。中国80后知识青年的书面英语水平远低于同龄的日韩知识青年，这背后教育部统编的高中英语教材SEFC是否有一定的“功劳”呢？
改革可以，但改革并不意味着可以让对语言文字的掌握还半生不熟的人来编写全国英语统编教材，改革也不是为了让全中国的高中学生都来朗读、背诵那凌乱、杂乱、空洞无物、不规范、不地道，甚至错误、不合逻辑的英语范文。改革应该是进步，而不是倒退，不能用改革的劣币来驱逐原先的真币。
标签： 句子结构
